Sexual narcissism can be defined as a grandiose sense of one’s sexual prowess which, in the mind of the sexual narcissist, entitles him to engage in acts of emotional and physical manipulation at his partner’s expense.
Here are seven signs that you may be dealing with a sexual narcissist
1. Charming and Romantic – But with a Catch
Many sexual narcissists can come across as alluring and attractive, especially during the initial stages of a relationship, when they’re trying to win you over.
Like an experienced salesperson, they use immense charm and charisma to get your attention, flattery to make you feel special, seduction (flirting, gifts, dinners, weekend trips, etc.) to sweep you off your feet, and persuasion to get you to give them what they want.
Some sexual narcissists are very good in bed (at least they think they are), for sex is used by them as a tool to impress, entrap, and manipulate.
While there’s absolutely nothing wrong inherently with being charming, romantic, and a good lover, the narcissist builds these traits in order to use others.
He is not really interested in you, but only what he wants to extract from you (often to fulfill an inner emptiness due to the inability to create real intimacy).
2. Excessive Focus on Performance and Approval
Pathological narcissists often have an inflated sense of themselves. They crave approval, are highly sensitive to criticism, and may try very hard to excel in bed. This is especially true during the initial phases of a relationship, when they seek to impress and win you over.
There’s a major difference between two people enjoying pleasuring one-another, versus a sexual narcissist trying hard to give an outstanding sexual performance.
The first is true passion, while the second mere acting. If you’re on the receiving end of the sexual narcissist’s showmanship, you’re also playing a role.
Often times the expected role is to validate and confirm (worship) what an omnipotent deity the narcissist thinks he is.
3. Excessive Focus on Physical Over Emotional
The sexual narcissist’s style of love-making is often focused on appearance and image, with a keen dislike for flaws and weaknesses from oneself or the partner.
The love-making is less about two human beings connecting, and more about measuring up to idealized expectations.
Try as the sexual narcissist might at physical expressions, there’s inevitably something missing in their performance: genuine human emotions.
The “love” part of love-making characterized by intense interest in the partner (as a person rather than sexual object), caring for passion, not acting, tenderness, and vulnerability. These qualities should only come from the heart.
4. You Exist to Serve the Narcissist’s Needs
After the initial courtship period during which he or she tries to impress and please, a sexual narcissist may begin to demand that you cater primarily to his own selfish needs.
He may expect you to be available always and satisfy sexual desires at his pleasure, require you to engage in sexual acts which only he enjoys, or demand that you limit your other daily activities to be more available for him.
Rather than being an individual with your own thoughts, feelings and priorities, the sexual narcissist expects you to be in existence merely as an extension of his or her wishes. Your own needs are then dismissed or ignored.
5. Constantly Puts You Down
In order to put up a facade of superiority, and disguise hidden insecurity and inadequacy, some narcissists will constantly put other people down, to boost their own desirability and acceptability.
In a sexual relationship, some (but not all) narcissists may also target their partners for ridicule, blame, sarcasm, and overall marginalization.
By subjecting the partner to an inferior psychological position, the narcissist is able to exercise a greater degree of dominance and manipulation.
6. Treats You Poorly / Neglects You After Sex
Since the sexual narcissist uses you to satisfy his or her own needs, he may disappear emotionally (if not physically) as soon as his needs are met.
You’re left hanging, perhaps feeling alone and empty, because little or no genuine intimacy was enjoyed. There was love-making, but no real love. Then the sexual narcissist will contact you again the next time he wants his sexual needs satisfied.
One key signal that distinguishes a sexual narcissist from someone who’s not is how he or she treats you when you’re out of the bedroom.
7. Infidelity, Violence, and Sexual addiction.
Various studies and authors have linked sexual narcissism with the following behaviors:
Infidelity – In a recent study, participants rated higher for sexual narcissism are also more likely to engage in acts of infidelity.
Domestic violence – Research also indicates that there’s a strong link between male sexual narcissism and domestic violence.
Sexual Addiction – One particular study suggests that sexual addiction is a reflection of sexual narcissism.
If you find yourself in a relationship with a difficult narcissist, there are many strategies and skills you can utilize to help restore
emotional health, balance, and self respect.